TONY (2026) Movie Review: A Surprisingly Good Hallmark Movie.
*** Sensitive Content Disclaimer ***
This film contains disturbing scenes of fish brutality. So disturbing, we asked one of our human test subjects to write this review.
TONY Review
Hi.
We saw the movie. We liked it. Have a nice day.
Is that good enough?
BLOOP.
But, you just asked me to write a quick review. I told you I’m not a critic…
BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP!
Okay, okay. Just put down the trident, please.
We saw the movie and were immediately disappointed when we found out this was not a prequel to Iron Man (2008). Instead of Marvel, we got an A24 film.
It’s actually a film about some guy named Tony who doesn’t like to be called Anthony, with an actor named Antonio, directed by a Matt.
WARNING: ENTERING SPOILER-INFESTED WATERS
(We’ll let you know when it’s safe to swim back to the surface.)
It’s a simple story. Boy likes girl. Girl goes away. Boy goes to find girl.
Sounds like a Hallmark movie, but it’s a bit deeper than that.
This is the telling of the origin story of world-renowned chef and storyteller, Anthony Bourdain. How much of this actually happened? Hard to say, because the character of Tony is a bold-faced liar, but this story works well within the context.
The structure and pacing flow smoothly. Almost as smooth as our electrical current technology that generates our underwater theaters.
Opening with Tony applying for a summer fellowship at Vassar College was a great foundation. Almost as great as the foundation we laid to support our underwater theaters.
BLOOP!
Sorry.
With the foundation set, Tony realizes he didn’t get the fellowship, and decides to chase a girl he’s had a crush on since high school to Cape Cod.
Nancy, played by Emilia Jones, is the love interest. He finds Nancy working at a pizzeria. It’s not only pizza she’s serving, because Tony sees her serving herself to another man.
He then does what any sane person would do. Drinks alone. It looks like he got plastered off of about 7 or 8 beers. Weak.
Anywho, he gets the bloop kicked out of him, thrown out of the restaurant, robbed, and wakes up at Chef Antonio’s house. Chef Antonio Banderas that is.
Chef allows him to work as a dishwasher at his restaurant, The Flagship, and Tony becomes BFFs with every employee.
Tony’s number one BFF becomes Sal, played by Leo Woodall. Woodall is a standout, as he plays a rebellious sin-eater who has the magical powers to have intercourse with every female in the film.
Eventually, Sal gets mean with Chef Antonio, and Tony fills in for Sal. Tony learns the ways of the kitchen…
BLOOP! BLOOP BLOOP BLOOP! BLOOP!
No, don’t worry, I won’t talk about the fish killings.
Tony burns down the restaurant.
Before we go further into the story, let’s head back to land as we discuss the foundation that was set.
Not only is the character Tony a restaurant-burning, fish-murdering, alcoholic, but he’s also a liar. He lies his way throughout the entire film.
Even though he sees his high school crush “making pizzas” with another man in public, he still pursues her. It seems as if every time he speaks to her, a new lie emerges.
Lie after lie after lie…even when opportunities to tell the truth arise. He’s really not a very likable character. But, you do kind of feel sorry for him.
BLOOP!
Well, not all of us felt sorry for him.
And… Tony burns down the restaurant.
Nancy has taken a liking to Tony, and they’re ready to “make pizzas” themselves. Tony then does what any sane person would do – he tells the truth. Say goodbye to making pizzas.
Chef Antonio is not happy with Tony either, and they have a minor falling-out.
Tony decides to rob Chef.
Sal is back! Of course, there has to be someone to blame for the illegal activities Tony is involved in. They break into Chef’s house to steal his piggy bank, only to find it empty.
Voila, Tony has a revelation. Instead of robbing Chef’s money, let’s steal his cookbook instead.
Tony’s master plan is to sell seashells on the seashore, and to invite as many people as possible and charge $5 per plate of a stolen seashell recipe, so he can use that money to return home.
Tony’s marketing team, Sal, decides it was a good idea to market it as a fundraiser for the burnt down restaurant.
Of course you can invite every person in town and say it’s a fundraiser for The Flagship burning down without Chef knowing. Right?
Chef Antonio Banderas shows up and buys a plate. Tony sees the error of his ways, and everybody cries. Happy sad tears all around.
THE ENDING EXPLAINED:
Tony is now back home; his mom seems impressed by all that has transpired. Everyone is happy! Since Tony had that epiphany selling seashells for the local charity event back in Cape Cod, he winds up at the CIA, Culinary Institute of America, in a similar room to how the film started.
The interviewers at the CIA asked Tony a question, and he for once told the truth. Revealed in this moment is the letter of recommendation from Chef Jose Vatel, and the film ends with Tony stating his full name, Anthony Bourdain.
For the record: would this have worked better if the marketing team didn’t reveal the final line of the film in the trailers? Word of mouth may have gotten around, but I feel if we as an audience didn’t know this was an Anthony Bourdain origin story, the ending would have hit harder.
But I’m a human test subject, what do I know?
END SPOILERS
Tony is a solid Hallmark movie, that can be enjoyed on any channel, during any holiday.
FISHY FUN FACT:
Did you know that the real Anthony Bourdain actually did attend Vassar College? After catching the cooking bug during his wild summer on Cape Cod, he ended up dropping out to attend the Culinary Institute of America!
Article by Human Test Subject #023
